Recovery

Dr. S was my anaesthesiologist this morning.  As we were heading down the hallway towards surgery he said " you should start feeling calm very soon."  It wasn't the first time I had heard him say those words to me.  Three years ago he had said them as he kindly held my hand heading into emergency surgery for a D&E. At the time my OB suspected an ectoptic pregnancy, and my husband and I were in complete shock.  I already had my perfect sweet little boy, and was secretly hoping this time it would be a precious little girl.  We hadn't really told many people I was even pregnant, which for some reason made sharing the news of our loss with friends and family that much harder.  We were both heartbroken and devastated.  My physical recovery took place much sooner than my emotional recovery. But still I remember trying to go for a run on the beach about a week later, gasping for air, feeling sluggish,  fighting my body to get it to do what I wanted, but what it was not yet ready for.  And I felt that same fight with my body when we tried and tried to get pregnant again.  I thought it would never happen, that we had somehow missed our chance, maybe I was too old, maybe we were just meant to be lucky once with our first child.   But a year and a half later, my heart began to heal when we were blessed with our beautiful, feisty little girl.  She raced with me, slowly, in the baby Bjorn,  at 2 months old in the St. Patty's day 5K, and again in the jogging stroller at the 8 mile Turkey Trot the the following fall.  The year she waved to me as she watched me run my first half marathon.
So when I saw Dr. S again this morning, I already felt calm before the anaesthia.  It was as though God had sent him to take care of me once more, and to remind me of the physical, emotional and spiritual recovery I have made in the last three years.  It helped to put my dissapointment over missing this year's marathon into better perspective. I have plenty of time to achieve the goals I have set.  I just have to be patient, and allow myself to heal once again.

Where do I fit in ?

The longer I run, the more I get to know other runners. And I have started to notice they fall into certain categories.
1. The hardcore badass : This type of runner takes great pride in running through injury, pushing through the pain, and letting everyone who will listen know just how hardcore they are. They seem to wear their high threshold for pain like a badge of honor, and f-you if you aren't impressed. It's all about the miles, and how tough they can be. This runner sucks the joy out of running, for example " Man I had a HARD run this morning. One of my feet fell right off, but I just pushed through it. I'll fix it up with an ace bandage and be ready for my ultramarathon by Saturday."
2. The t-shirt collector: This is the person who signs up for 5K's and fun runs so they can wear the t-shirt around town. They plod through the race slowly, and walk most of it. Usually expectantly waiting for others to notice the race shirt and be impressed.
3. The overgeared: This person is the ninny who falls for every new running related contraption that comes out. They have more running gear than Luke's locker, but haven't ever run farther than 3 miles. Every time their motivation lags, they trot down to the local sporting goods store in search of something new to add to the collection.
4. The overenthusiast: I think at some point, most new runners fit here. They are so excited about the sport that it's all they eat, sleep and breathe. It's all they talk about, and it seems to be the pinnacle of their very existence. Their whole identity in life revolves around running, and anyone who will listen gets an earful of how wonderful their first 4 mile run felt etc. Sort of like adolence for atheletes. Luckily most of us mature past this phase and are thankful our friends put up with us while we're here.
5. The truly dedicated: Most of my friends who run fit here. They are dedicated to their weekly miles, and do so because they love it. They don't care if it's impressive to other people, they do it for themselves. These are the lifelong participants. These are the ones who are out there year after year slowly improving, and feeling happy in their own accomplishments. This is where I fit.

Missing the Run

I miss it. I miss running. I miss the routine of my training schedule. My week used to be measured by those 4 runs. I loved starting the week with the short quick run. I loved how fast I had become, and that free feeling of running downhill. I loved the comfortable pace of the midweek sorta long run. And I loved the short run again on Thursdays. I loved the achey, sore feeling after my weekend long run, and the peaceful slumber that followed the evening after. I loved the feeling of achievement I felt as my miles increased each and every week. There was a sense of accomplishment after each new, longer distance I could push past. I miss all of my running gear, and wince a little each time I step into my closet and see it all sitting there, folded on the shelf. I miss my running playlist, and the challenge of putting together new ones every so often. But most of all, I miss the peace and joy I felt when I ran. I just don't feel as balanced these days. I no longer have those hours out on the road with my thoughts and my prayers in my head. I don't make the time to sort through the things I should, because I was used to sorting them out while I ran. I miss the beautiful sunrises, and the serenity of the quiet mornings. And while I know this is temporary, and in a few months I'll be back out there, it doesn't make me miss it any less. I suppose I could revist the miserable runs, the 12 and 17 mile days that were really really difficult, and maybe remind myself that not every day had a perfect run. But even those I miss, because those were the days that taught me the most, and I found out just how hard I could push. And I'm wondering how tough it will be to get started again. But, on that day, I can take a look back at all that I've written, and all that I've learned, and hopefully look forward to a brand new start.

Midweek Masters

Another chilly morning swim with Coach Rich. Today I actually did most of the same drills as the rest of the class. 4x25 easy, 4x25 freestyle both at an easy pace for me. Currently I have only 1 speed. I still need to learn the fine art of slowing down or speeding up. I am getting better at pushing off the wall to start which really helps get me about a quareter of the way down the lane. The rest of the class can get halfway down on a good start. The next set was 8x50 and we swam with fins on every other 50. I really feel like using the fins helps slow down my kicking and I've got to remember to replicate that motion without fins. It would help with my efficiency. For the final sets he had me keep my fins on to help me remember not to kick so much, and the last 3x50 I used the kickboard with fins to really help practice. He told me today that every time he sees me in class I have improved since the time before, which is a nice way to start the day. He also told the Captain the same thing about me last night. That's why he's a good coach, because he makes me feel good about my own accomplishment, and I'm not being compared to the others in the class. Puts me in a great mood the rest of the day. Looking forward to comaparing notes with my husband after he goes to class tomorrow night.

Monday Master's

It is much harder to get out of a warm bed with the thought of getting in a cold pool then it is to get out of a warm bed to get in a run. What helps motivate me is looking forward to working with the Coach. This morning he was full of praise, and even when I'm struggling there is something in his coaching that makes me strive that much harder to get better. It's never about being perfect, because I'm just not built to be a perfect swimmer, but it's about the nods of approval he gives for my improvement. I was actually able to participate with the other seasoned swimmers this morning as they did some drills. We started off with a couple 200 yds, with fins. (My birthday gift yesterday was a pair of fins and a mesh bag to haul my wet gear back and forth in). I love swimming with fins, because it takes very little work to get down and back quickly. We practiced pushing off the wall and gliding through the water, which for me was a little tough. To get a good long glide you have to point down towards the bottom of the pool, and I held my breath a little longer than I thought I could. But it certainly helps for a smooth start. The rest of the group worked on speed drills and getting their heartrate up, I just worked on swimming the distance and keeping my head down, looking at the pool floor and side, keeping only one eye out of the water when I breathe, scooping water with my hands on the arm strokes, keeping my elbows up, not kicking too much and keeping my legs floppy. I'm sure I've left somthing out because that list seems too short to be the whole checklist I was working through on every stroke. I'm starting to feel a little more coordinated in the pool, and little more like my whole body wants to cooperate with me instead of each appendage doing it's own thing. I was famished after class, and have got to find a good post swim meal. The Luna bar I had in my bag does not cut the mustard. I was starving all day. Apparently I'm not alone in the post swim starvation club. I have read that swimming burns a lot of calories because it uses so many different muscles in the body, and when the water is cold burns more calories to keep things warm. I just don't need to eat the calories I just burned right after a swim. Going to try a peanut butter sandwhich on Wednesday.

Appreciation

Running gave me a newfound appreciation for my husband. When I started my own training, I started to really understand exactly how hard he had worked to train for both of his marathons. I used to wonder why anyone would want to actually get up early, in the heat of summer or the cold of winter to get out and run for 2 hours, 3 hours, and then 4 hours. I thought maybe he was crazy. I certainly didn't think I would ever want to do it. I could run a 5K just fine, and that was good enough for me. Then I started training for the Turkey Trot, an 8 mile race, because he asked me to run it with him. I didn't love running or the training it took to get me to that race. I thought I would race with him and go back to the occasional 5K. But something changed for me during those 8 miles. He knew how difficult it was for me to run those miles, probably because he could still remember his own early distances, and he encouraged me every step of the way. We ran together, each pushing one of our two children in the jogging stroller, and he motivated me the entire time. And I ran so very, very slow, looking back I can't fathom how he could have made himself run such a painfully slow pace. But he did it for me, because he wanted us to start together and finish together. He knew what it would mean for me to cross the finish line having run the entire time. I worked around an injury off and on after that race, and slowly throughout the spring worked on running longer and longer on the long run. And the day I ran 6 miles, he told me I was almot halfway to a Half Marathon and I should give it a shot. Somewhere along the course of training for that half I really started to understand the drive, passion and dedication it took for him to run two marathons. And I started to see him in a new and different light. Not just as my husband, but as an athelete, an individual and an achiever. Again this week I was able to see him in yet another way, as I started my own involvement in swimming, again with his encouragement. Talking with him about how his first class went, and knowing he struggled just as much as I did on my first day was comforting. Because I was able to see him glide effortlessly through the water yesterday, and know that he started where I am. It helps me know that I can work at it too, and make my own improvements. And again I can admire his strength and his persistence with swimming. And it helps me find my own inner strength and persistence as well.

Mastering the swim

Today's Master's swim class was awesome. There were only 2 other students today, one of them being my husband. We started off doing some drills, and Coach Rich lent me some flippers to try out. I'm amazed at how fast I move through the water with them on. After we were warmed up, the two advanced swimmers practiced their drills together while Rich coached me in the slow lane. More breathing with my head down, focusing on keeping my head only to the side and below me not up. Then he had me attempt to breath on my left side which was worse than the first day attempt at breathing on my right. He said as long as we were rewiring my brain to learn to swim correctly, we might as well learn to breathe on both sides. After a few laps I felt a little better with it, mostly because my nose and mouth were saturated with water, and I didn't think much more would get in there. So every time I swim, I'm supposed to try at least 2 breaths to the left. Worked a lot on getting my arm position correct, and keep my elbows up. Did some finger drag drills, focusing on touching my thigh as my hand comes down. I had to really concentrate on keeping my fingers together, pushing my hand down and letting it relax on the way up. Kick practice involved more of the whip with my legs using my upper body instead of the knees. Trying to remember to be more relaxed with my kicking. I learned today that it's mostly the arm stroke that moves a swimmer through the water, and the legs are just added help. He also showed me how to do water running, so I can add that to my solo workouts. He had a friend who trained for Marathons that way, every time he was injured he just switched to running in the pool, and would run about 10 miles in the water that way. It takes some practice and getting used to, and is definitely harder than running on land. He also said I could try some barefoot running (on land of course) or do it in sandals. He himself has just purchased a pair of vibrams, and runs in sandals or barefoot too. After the running experiment it was back to more stroke, kick and breathing for a few more laps and then I was done. I got to watch the Captain and Juan Carlos swim a couple 50's before they were done and they made it look so easy and effortless. I really enjoyed today's class. It was great to attend class with my husband, and to watch him swim. I've been reading his blog, and listening to him tell me about his progress for so long, that it was really meaningful to see him in action. I love that we have another activity to share with each other, and I'm thankful for the extra time together. We have had some great discussions about both of our training over the last several months. I appreciate that both of us becoming athletes has really strengthened our bond with each other.

Solo Swim

Today was my first solo swim workout. I practiced my breathing, my armstroke, and my kicking. I have already established that 15 minutes swimming is an eternity, and being that today's swim was 30 minutes, it was a double eternity. I'm getting much more comfortable with the breathing, and it's starting to feel more smooth, and more natural. And by more natural, I don't mean that I am one with the water. I mean I'm sucking less water into my nose and lungs than I did on Monday and that scary feeling that I may not take in enough air before the next time I roll my head up for a breath is starting to subside. After several kick practices with the kickboard, and much more breathing practice with the pull bouy between my knees ( I referred to this in the last post as some kind of rubber thingy, now I know it's proper term) I was feeling confident enough to attempt to put it all together. Perfect synergy was not achieved, but it feels less foreign to me. There were even a few moments where I felt a tad on the peaceful side.

Pants

I was pulling out my winter clothes the other day, and came accross a pair of long basketball pants. They're the kind that snap up the sides, making it easier to take them off if you already have shoes and shorts on underneath. These were essential to me last year when I was training for the Turkey trot. I wore them almost every time I left the house to train during the cold mornings of November. The reason they were so essential to me was because I wanted to keep my legs warm going from the car to the Y, and they were easy to take off quickly before I got on the TREADMILL. I had completely forgotten until I saw those pants how much I did run on the treadmill in those early days, when I was training to run an 8 mile race. This year, I trained in the heat of the summer and looked so forward to the fall temperature cooling things off. I eagerly anticipated my first chilly morning run, and I can't even begin to know why I would have welcomed the idea of running inside the stuffy gym on the treadmill. But I have the pants there, to prove it. This year I'm wearing those same pants again, to the same Y ,for the same reason of keeping my legs warm. This time though, I've got a swimsuit on underneath and I'm heading for the pool to swim while I'm sidelined from running. Here's hoping next year those pants will hang in the closet, and that I'll be wearing my running tights to keep my legs warm. Away from the Y.

First day of Master's swim

First day of Master's Swim class. Don't let the title fool you, I am by no means a Master swimmer, and after today, I fee lucky to stay in the class. I bought a swim cap and goggles yesterday, so I was ready to go at 5:30 this morning. Pretty chilly getting the pool, and it's not likely to get any warmer. So expect to see that sentence repeated quite often for the next two months. Coach Rich must be the most patient man I've ever met. He started me off swimming a couple laps so he could verify that I know how to swim, and he could look at my serious lack of technique and form. I practiced freestyle stroke to get the breathing part down correctly for what seemed like forever. When I was done I verified that Forever in swimming is 15 minutes. I had to keep my head down, face the floor of the pool and roll my body to the side when I'm up for a breath. All this while keeping the pool water out of my nose. And my laps were really only half laps. At one point he had me practice breathing by the side so he could hold my head down and rotate it up the right way at the right time. It made me feel panicky, as though I could drown standing in 4 feet of water. So while everyone else was swimming 400's at race pace, I was toddling along swimming 12.5's at baby pace. He had me alternate the breathing practice with kick practice. I was so relieved when he pulled out the kickboard and I got to have a break from the breathing part. So I practiced having noodle legs, kicking from my hip/back instead of from the knee, using my heel to break the water and swinging my legs like a whip. Then it was back to freestyle and the damn breathing. I had to hold some foam thingy between my knees so I would just use my arms to drag myself through the water. Then he told me to brush my hip with my hand which would help make my stroke more fluid. He also gave me some exercises to do at home to loosen up my ankles. After an hour, I was pretty happy to exit the pool. It was the longest hour of my life. Much longer than the first time I ran for an hour. I've got a lot of work to do to improve my form, but I'm looking forward to the challenge of it. And I felt so good after I swam, minus the water in the nose part. I guess the affirmation from coach that I was making a huge improvement in one hour definitely helped. And he said it seems like my body learns quickly to do something new. Really, I was missing having a phyisical goal to work towards, and now I have that back. Even though I can't run right now, I still have something to try and achieve, so I don't feel like I'm in limbo anymore. I'll have to visit the pool several times this week to practice on my own, and probably take some notes with me. I'm looking forward to this week's training, as well as Master's class on Saturday with the Captain.

The Pool

Today I ventured back to my Saturday morning aquacise class. The pool was a little chilly getting in, but once we got moving I warmed up quite a bit. While I enjoyed this class when it was was my cross training activity, I don't find it a challenging enough workout to make it my only activity. About 15 minutes into class I found myself more interested in what the Captain was doing on the other side of the pool with his Masters Swim class and wondering why I didn't try it this morning. After both our classes were over, we talked to Coach Rich about my forced time off from running, and that I was looking for another activity in the interim. After showing me his own nail-less big toe, He said I should just come join the Master's class, provided I know how to swim. I can try out a few classes to see if it's a good fit before I sign up for good. You have to actually know how to swim before you can join the Master's class, so I'm hoping I'm decent enough at it that he won't send me to the guppy class. I've had a couple friends suggest swimming as an alternative while I can't run, and it looks like a good tough workout. I figure if I was up to the challenge of training for a full marathon, I can be up to the challenge of some serious swimming. Just have to work out a schedule with the Captain, since the only day we can go to Master's class together will be the Saturday class. The evening class run's 30 minutes past when the childwatch center closes at the Y, and there are morning classes from 5:30-6:30. Which would mean leaving straight from class to work, and missing the kids morning routine. But I think we can make it work.

What Next ?

So I've taken this week to reflect, reevalutate and lament the loss of my marathon dream. I get sad driving past places on the marathon route, and I'm a little jealous of my friends who get to particpate at White Rock though it's not so much jealousy as that feeling of being left out of something, of wishing I could participate in that experience with them. I'm frustrated because I feel like I did everything right, I was careful, I followed my training plan, took 1 week off for vacation and missed exactly 1 run since June, and still I have to sit it out. I'm feeling a little directionless right now, since my runing focus is on hold. I've been so used to following my training schedule, and looking forward to each week's achievments that now I'm not sure where to put that focus. My body misses the release of physical activity. I need to something while I'm in the pre-surgery limbo, but the thought of getting up early to drive to the Y and attempt a workout in the musty, stale environment hardly instills motivation to leap out of bed in the morning. Plus I'm not even sure if the bike or the eliptical would be gentle enough not to still cause pain. I've got my Saturday morning swim class, but I need some other weekday workouts. Yoga is out, because there are too many poses that would kill my toe. So I think my options are swim, pilates and weights. Although none of it really thrills me yet. As for what to do post-Op, I'll have to evaluate that week by week.
I'll have to readjust my diet as well in the interim, since I won't be needing as many calories. I know it's all only temporary, but it doesn't take away the no-run blues just yet.
I'll be looking at the Spring race schedule and planning which ones I want to run, as well as researching different training plans. The good news is I'll have lots of time to really evaluate and choose what exactly I want to do. I'm putting the idea of training for a marathon on hold until next fall for a couple of reasons. The spring marathons I'm interested in are all in February, which would only give me 12 weeks to prepare for given best possible recovery time. That's not really ample time to come back after being off for 8 weeks. The fall marathons are the best in my opinon, and I'll have plenty to choose from next year, (although most likely I will want to run White Rock and have that home field advantage). I can take the spring to run several short races, and sharpen up my speed, and really just have a season of fun. Something to look forward to.

Hiatus

My appointment with the podiatrist did not go as I had hoped. She looked at my toe and suspected a bone spur growing on the top of the toe, which was confirmed with an X-Ray. The rest of the appointment was sort of hazy, because after the I heard the words surgery, and 6 weeks of recovery, I tried to fight back tears of disbelief and dissapointment. This spur has been there at least a year, and was the cause of my original problem last November. It was growing and pushing under the toenail. This caused the deformation of the nail, which in turn became ingrown and infected. After the toenail was removed, the spur kept growing and now is pushing on the rest of the nail, causing my discomfort. We talked about the option of waiting until after White Rock, but it is likely that I'm going to keep having pain and discomfort and won't be able to run anyway. And I know a Marathon is tough enough to run under perfect health and optimal conditions, why make it tougher if every mile is painful if I can fix the issue and try again later ? It's also possible that I could get another infection either under the toenail or worse, in the bone where the spur started. Apparently this is just a genetic fluke from a leftover growth plate, and not an injury related to the miles I've put on my feet running. So, two weeks from Friday, I go in for outpatient surgery to have the spur removed. Then it's two weeks in some type of orthopedic shoe, then I can graduate to a running shoe. Four weeks after that I can start back to running slowly, and hope I can start making my way back to where I left off. After I listened to the information, I made the necessary follow up appointments, and left. I managed not to completely start bawling until I sat down in the car, and then I sat and had a good long cry. I put in so much time, dedication and effort towards the Marathon goal, that not to be able to reach it in December is hard for me to comprehend. Now, I know I wasn't going for Olympic Gold, or even trying to win a in my age group, but regardless of my goal this sense of loss, of dissapointment is very painful and real. I actually can't think of a time I have ever felt so deeply dissapointed. I've never set a goal that I didn't reach, never tried for something that I knew I couldn't accomplish. I always have only worked towards what I knew I could achieve, and never realy tried to reach beyond that. And this goal was, for me, that one goal that I never thought possible to attain until this year. I never had the faith in myself that I could do it. Or the faith in God that he could give me the strength. Until now. And since I plan to continue running for a lifetime, I have a lifetime of races to run. (As two very important people in my life reminded me when I told them about the surgery). So in the big picture, six weeks out of running isn't too big of a deal. Compared to all of the other many important things in life this is just a small blip on the radar. It's just a little hiatus.

Friday 7 miles

I had the day off yesterday, and the weather was beautiful which meant I got to run outside in the daylight and didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn. After a day of errands, a flu shot and lunch with my son I was ready for my run around 2:45. Just took my usual 7 mile route, and went at a very relaxed pace. I had to really concentrate on slowing myself down in the first few miles, and then I got into a pretty good slower rhthym. It was nice enough out that I wore my running tight capris and didn't feel too warm in them. I love the way they feel, the tights, capri's and compression shorts seem much more comfortable to me. So much so that I'm considering abandoning the old stand by blousey shorts. The tights just stay put which means I'm not having to adjust them as I go, thus I seem to be able to move easier without the distraction of the billowing shorts. I also treated myself to a new fuel belt that fits me better. The previous one was a size Large, and had taken the Captain through training for 2 marathons so it was well worn and needed replacing. I didn't really need to wear it for 7 miles, as I only took a few sips about halfway through. But I'm just in the habit of taking it with me for any run that may take longer than an hour, as I needed it way more in the heat of the summer than I do in the breezy mild October weather. I'm thinking that now that the weather is cooler, I may be able to take my shorter runs in the afternoon after work. Which means only getting up at the crack of dawn twice a week instead of 4 times. I was thinking back to last year at this time when I was training for just an 8 mile race, and wishing I had kept a journal of that training so I would have something to compare to now. I'm glad I've started this blog so next year I can go back and look at how I felt and where I was this year to compare. I can definitely remember how long my run seemed last year at this same time, and I was only training for an 8 mile race, which means it must have been way short than 7 miles. And this year 7 miles seems short to me after running a half marathon. Wonder what will seem short after I run a full marathon ?

Feeling Better

Yesterday I felt much better than Wednesday, the extra rest really helped. I ran 4 miles on the bridge in the afternoon, and took it a little slower than Tuesday's run. I'm still not fully recovered from Sunday, the right knee is a little tender, and my left leg is still tight, especially my calf muscle. I'll make sure to stretch everything very well before I head out again this afternoon. After my run yesterday I examined my ogre toe and noticed what appeared to be a blood blister in the spot where the toenail had been removed. It's drained and being treated with hydrogen peroxide and bactricin until I can see my podiatrist on Tuesday. Hopefully she can patch me up enough to keep my marathon training on track. (After White Rock she's free to hack on my toe all she wants while I recover.) I've got extra time built into my training plan, so if I have to train a little easier for a week or so it's fine. Thank goodness for the toe cap, b/c when I run with it on, I don't feel anything on that toe.