Recovery

Dr. S was my anaesthesiologist this morning.  As we were heading down the hallway towards surgery he said " you should start feeling calm very soon."  It wasn't the first time I had heard him say those words to me.  Three years ago he had said them as he kindly held my hand heading into emergency surgery for a D&E. At the time my OB suspected an ectoptic pregnancy, and my husband and I were in complete shock.  I already had my perfect sweet little boy, and was secretly hoping this time it would be a precious little girl.  We hadn't really told many people I was even pregnant, which for some reason made sharing the news of our loss with friends and family that much harder.  We were both heartbroken and devastated.  My physical recovery took place much sooner than my emotional recovery. But still I remember trying to go for a run on the beach about a week later, gasping for air, feeling sluggish,  fighting my body to get it to do what I wanted, but what it was not yet ready for.  And I felt that same fight with my body when we tried and tried to get pregnant again.  I thought it would never happen, that we had somehow missed our chance, maybe I was too old, maybe we were just meant to be lucky once with our first child.   But a year and a half later, my heart began to heal when we were blessed with our beautiful, feisty little girl.  She raced with me, slowly, in the baby Bjorn,  at 2 months old in the St. Patty's day 5K, and again in the jogging stroller at the 8 mile Turkey Trot the the following fall.  The year she waved to me as she watched me run my first half marathon.
So when I saw Dr. S again this morning, I already felt calm before the anaesthia.  It was as though God had sent him to take care of me once more, and to remind me of the physical, emotional and spiritual recovery I have made in the last three years.  It helped to put my dissapointment over missing this year's marathon into better perspective. I have plenty of time to achieve the goals I have set.  I just have to be patient, and allow myself to heal once again.